


everybody wonders what it would be like to love you

by jenhrding



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: F/F, Jen is so soft for Judy, Valentine's Day, good old yearning, i love them sm can they just kiss, i’ve been obsessed with hurt/comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-16 06:07:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29449008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenhrding/pseuds/jenhrding
Summary: “‘Well, it’s Valentine’s Day and technically you’re mine cause you’re my best friend, so…’”or, jen gives judy a valentine’s day that makes up for all past ones.
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Comments: 6
Kudos: 79





	everybody wonders what it would be like to love you

**Author's Note:**

> hi well this is straight to the point some valentines day fluff to end the day on a happy note !  
> little tw for a mention of self harm but it’s really mild  
> title from gold rush by ms tswift

The house is quiet when Jen first walks in. She passes by the boys’ rooms and notices how Henry is playing cards with Shandy, who’s sleeping over ⏤ much to Jen’s dismay ⏤, and how Charlie seems to be entranced by his laptop, so she heads straight to her room. There’s a soft light coming through the spots of the windows not covered by the curtains, and a warm glow of _almost six pm in February_ colors the room in an orange hue.

It doesn’t take long for her to notice a lump on her bed, a person-sized one, and it takes even less time for her to know who it is. She seems to be sleeping, but Jen knows that if she doesn’t wake until much later she won’t be able to sleep at night, so she takes off her heels and paddles across the floor before squatting down near the bed on Judy’s side.

“Hey.”, it comes out as a whisper, paired with a hand softly running through her hair.

Still, it seems to startle her, “what?!”, she jolts up from the bed into a sitting position after widening her eyes.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you, but it’s late so I thought I’d wake you up.”

Judy, who’s still under the covers, rubs her own eyes, in a way that makes Jen’s heart practically grow three sizes, before swallowing to speak again, “how late is it?”

“Almost six. But you’re fine, there’s still dinner from yesterday.”

The brunette just nods, but then comes to a realization, “oh, God, Jen! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to fall asleep here but I was folding up the laundry and it was just so cold so I got under the covers and I must’ve been really tired ‘cause-”

“Hey, it’s fine.”, Jen smiles reassuringly. “I don’t mind.”

“Okay… I really am sorry.”

Jen waves a dismissive hand and then frowns, “is everything alright?”

“Yeah, why?”

“It’s just…”, she cocks her head to the side, analyzing her friend, “well, you never sleep in the afternoon unless you’re sick, so…”

“Oh, I’m not sick.”, Judy smiles. There’s something off about it, but at the same time she seems sincere, “I’m feeling fine.”

“You sure? I know you.”, Jen pokes Judy’s side, making her giggle. “And I can’t help if I don’t know what’s wrong.”

“Can we just stay here?”

“Sure. Do you want me to…”, she gestures towards the bed in a silent question, Judy seems eager when she nods. “Okay, um, I’ll just get out of this dress then.”

Her friend lies back down to wait, getting comfortable under the heavy duvet again.

Jen is quick to change into sweatpants and an old t-shirt from college and get in bed next to Judy, but then she’s not sure what to do next, so she lies on her back and stares at the ceiling. Judy does the same.

“So, you wanna tell me what’s wrong?”

“Um…”, she hesitates for a second, so Jen intertwines their fingers under the covers. “Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, right?”

“Mhm.”

“But it is also the anniversary of the day I put my mom in prison for the first time.”

Jen turns on her side to face her, props her own head up with her free arm, “you didn’t put her there. _She_ put _herself_ there.”

“ _Potato Potahto_.”, Judy rolls her eyes.

“Don’t roll your eyes at me, you brat.”, Jen quips, making Judy chuckle softly. “Seriously, Jude, we’ve talked about this.”

“I _know_ we have.”, she groans. “And it’s not only about the guilt, it’s mostly ‘cause it’s the day, you know?”

“Right.”, the blonde falls back onto her back. “I guess that makes sense.”

“So… you got any plans?”

“Today?”, she frowns.

“No, silly, for Valentine’s Day.”

Jen cackles, “with who the fuck would I have plans for Valentine’s Day, Judy?”

“Well, with Ben or… what’s the name of that guy who gave you his number at Whole Foods the other day?”

“Jesus Christ.”, she mutters. “First of all, Ben totally ghosted me, I only knew he moved away ‘cause fucking Lorna told me and, honestly? Good riddance. And Brian? Why would I go out with a Brian?”

Judy laughs at the disgust in Jen’s voice, “well, you could get anyone you wanted.”, then she turns her face to look at her, way too earnestly for her own good.

Jen looks back at her and bites the insides of her cheeks to suppress a smile, while also shaking her head fondly. When she shakes herself out of it, she looks back up, “well, not on one day’s notice so I guess I’m stuck with the kids.”

“And me!”

“I’m never stuck with you, Judy. I _like_ being with you.”

Once the brunette manages to keep tears from falling she forces out a laugh, “Henry will love to know you said that.”

Jen chuckles, “fuck off.”

After about two minutes of silence ⏤ and Jen almost falling asleep ⏤, Judy speaks up again, “Jen?”

“Mm?”

“Can we, um…”, Jen opens her eyes and stares, waiting for a continuation, “I mean, can you, like, cuddle me?”

The older woman just smiles at her.

“I guess I just want to be held.”, and she cringes at her own voice.

Jen breathes a “turn around.”

Judy does.

Jen wraps her right arm around Judy’s waist and buries her left hand in her hair, caressing softly, hoping she doesn’t go back to sleep, but knowing she might. Only when her hand ventures under Judy’s shirt does she feel it, a wetness, and by the way Judy hisses and moves away, it’s not a good fucking sign. So she takes her arm back and stares at the red liquid dripping down one of her fingers; there’s not much of it, just enough to make a tiny stain on the white sheet below them where it fell.

“Judy.”

The brunette sits up against the headboard and wraps her own arms around herself, shaking her head.

“Let me see that.”

Her “no” is a whisper.

“Jude, let me clean that up.”

“You don’t have to.”

“Of course I have to.”

“You don’t have to take care of me.”

“I _want_ to.”

Judy looks up at her then. With tears in her widened eyes and her arms gripping her own sides she looks more like a scared child than anything else. And Jen loves her, _God_ , how she loves her, wants to hold her and protect her from her demons, and the ones she shares with everyone else.

“Just let me, please.”

Jen gets a soft nod out of her and it’s all she needs to grab the first aid kit from her bathroom. It’s not a deep cut, not a huge one either, but Judy still bites her lip in agony while Jen cleans it up.

Jen wants to know how it happened, _why_ it happened — clearly it has something to do with her mom, but that’s not enough information —, still, she doesn’t want to ask for answers Judy might not be ready to share, so she sticks to her task and tries to keep her mouth shut. Luckily for her, the brunette speaks up before she has to.

“It’s really nothing, Jen.”

“Mhm.”, she only hums in understanding.

“I mean it!”, Judy exclaims, lifting her head from the pillow.

“I know.”, Jen nods and uses her softest voice.

“It’s been a while since I’ve done anything like that.”

Jen sighs and looks up at her, then clears her throat before speaking, “did something happen?”

“My mom called.”

“Oh.”

“Probably to remind me of tomorrow, she never forgets.”

“She doesn’t deserve you, Jude.”

“But she’s my mom.”

“I guess…”, she shrugs, then finishes covering Judy’s cut with a gauze and some micropore tape. “All done.”

“Thanks.”, Judy answers in a small voice, pushing herself up on her elbows.

“Of course.”, Jen smiles. “You lie back down, okay? I’m gonna heat up dinner for the boys then I’ll bring something for us.”

“You don’t have to-“

Jen only glares at her.

“Fine.”, Judy huffs, making Jen smirk. “Thank you.”

***

When Judy wakes up in the morning, it’s to a muffled “fuck” coming from the foot of the bed.

Jen is there, carrying a tray and attempting to balance two glasses of juice on top of it. Judy frowns, adjusting to the light, and the blonde grins when she notices she’s up.

“Hey!”

“Hi? What’s got you in such a good mood?”

“Well, it’s Valentine’s Day and technically you’re mine cause you’re my best friend, so…”, she places the tray on Judy’s lap. “There you go.”

The brunette gasps, “Jen!”

“Henry’s going to Shandy’s after school, he’s gonna spend the day there, and Charlie’s gonna go out with Natalie so we can do whatever you want.”

“You really didn’t have to do this, you know?”

“I know. But you could use a distraction, and today’s supposed to be fun! So, please, just enjoy this, okay?”

“Alright.”, Judy beams up at her, pulling her messy hair up before taking a slice of the waffle Jen made. “This is really good.”

Jen chuckles before sitting next to her, “well, it’s your recipe.”

“The secret is love.”

“Shut up.”, she rolls her eyes. “So, what do you wanna do today?”

“Do you have anything in mind, valentine?”

“You’re so silly.”

Judy grins adorably.

“I was thinking I could make us lunch, then we could do whatever you wanted, and then we’d order some dinner. Just spend the day together, you know?”

“Sounds perfect.”

“Good.”

“Buuut…”, Judy mock complains, “there is _one_ thing.”

“Mm?”

“I’m not gonna let you cook for me.”

“Judy-“, Jen huffs.

“I’m serious, okay? You do so much already, and you don’t even like to cook.”

“You cook for me- _us_ , every day.”, she states. “Besides, I just didn’t like cooking for the boys, or Lorna, ‘cause they always compared my food to Ted’s. But I know you won’t compare me to anyone ‘cause you love me, so…”

“I do love you.”, she smiles.

Jen pops a grape into her mouth, “then let me do this, alright? I already have a meal all prepped in my head.”

She gets Judy seated on a stool while she cooks, but doesn’t tell her exactly what she’s making, even if Judy can probably tell by the ingredients on the counter.

“Have you thought about what you want to do today?”, Jen asks as she’s pouring the pasta in a pot.

“I don’t know if you’ll wanna do it…”

“I told you we can do anything.” She scrunches up her nose, “as long as it’s not, like, burying another body or some shit. My back still hates me for it.”, and she winks.

And Judy? She laughs.

“Nothing like that, I think we’re way past it.” She, then, puts on her best innocent face, “I was wondering… if you could… teach me how to dance?”, with a bright smile.

Jen grimaces, “oh, Judy.”

“No but I really want you to!”, she pouts. “Please?”

“How would I even do that?”

“Just slow dancing, come on?”, the pout stays. “I have no rhythm and you said we could do anything!”

“Fine, Judy.”, Jen rolls her eyes and Judy beams. “Who do you even have to learn how to slow dance for?”

“You!”

If her grin makes Jen’s heart do something like a leap, she guesses it’s just how friends feel.

Once they’re done eating — and Judy has complimented every single aspect of the food —, they move to the kitchen, where there’s more space to move.

Judy connects her phone to Charlie’s small speaker, then places it on the counter and looks expectedly up at Jen, who’s tugging on her jeans and contemplating how she’s going to do this.

“Okay, come here.”, she beckons Judy over and places her hands on her waist. “Put your hands on my shoulders.”

The brunette presses play and does as she’s told, “and now?”

“Pay attention to the melody and follow my lead.”

Judy nods with her “serious face” on, which makes Jen chuckle to herself fondly. Next, she starts swaying them and making her friend look at what her feet are doing.

“Now look at me, not down, but keep your feet moving.”

When Judy gets the movement, they end up closer to each other than at the beginning of the song, and the slightly shorter woman rests her head on Jen’s shoulder, sighing deeply and inhaling her scent of expensive perfume and the drops of wine she spilled an hour before. As Barbara Lewis sings _“till the rivers all run dry, baby I’m yours, till the poets run out of rhyme”_ , Jen keeps swaying, more holding Judy than teaching her anything, but she believes she’s learnt enough.

The artist looks up at her after the song ends, and only then does Jen notice how close their faces are. Maybe if it was darker, maybe if it wasn’t the middle of the day, Jen might’ve done something other than staring with her breath hitched. Does the way her eyes instinctively seek Judy’s lips mean she might be attracted to her, or worse, have feelings for her?

“Jen?”, Judy whispers, eyes glancing down at her lips and coming back to her green orbs.

“Yeah?”, it comes out almost strangled, and it takes everything in her to not kiss her friend with all she has.

“I want to-“

A loud beeping sound startles them both, interrupting Judy’s sentence and activating Jen’s fight or flight mode — Steve’s situation didn’t leave good scars.

“Shit, the cake.”, then she runs and opens the oven, taking in the sight of a mildly burnt carrot cake. “Fuck me.”

“It’s okay, Jen.”, Judy comes up to her after opening the back door to get the smoke out and places a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“But it’s our dessert.”, Jen pouts. “And it’s part of your Valentine’s Day present.”

“We can still eat the good part.”, she takes a glove and pulls the tray out of the oven, noticing how the entire top layer is way darker than the bottom.

“You want to throw away half of it? Why don’t just throw away the whole fucking thing?”

Judy purses her lips, “you know what? The good half would make amazing cake pops.”, then she smiles encouragingly.

“You sure?”

“Positive. Besides, you said I could choose our activities, so I’m choosing this. It’ll be fun to do it together.”

“I guess so.”, Jen sighs, but she looks less defeated than before.

She agrees, eventually, and after a few minutes she’s having fun turning the cake into crumbs with her own hands, letting her frustration out — thinking “ _should I have kissed her? Is it better that I didn’t?_ ”.

Judy looks for plastic sticks as Jen adds a tad of cream cheese to the dough, making it consistent. Then they craft the balls together and let them cool in the fridge.

“What now?”, the blonde asks, washing her hands.

“Now we wait a couple of hours and come back to dip them into chocolate.”

“Okay. That gives me time to get your gift.”

“What do you mean ‘a gift’?”

“Um… like a present?”

Judy glares at her, “I know what a gift is. But you’ve done so much already.”

“Uh-huh.”, Jen ignores her, taking her car keys from the coffee table. “I’ll be back in thirty.”

***

“Oh my God, Jen!”, Judy exclaims, bringing the bouquet of roses to her nose. “You really didn’t have to.”

Jen ignores her comment again, “I ordered it this morning but they called and said there was no one to deliver so I had to go get it.”

“Thank you, really.”, she pulls Jen into a tight hug that lasts a few seconds, until the blonde hears a soft sob and pulls back, moving her hands to hold Judy’s face.

“Hey, what is it?”, she coos worriedly.

“It’s just that-“, Judy smiles while she catches her breath. “I only got flowers once, when Steve asked me to marry him, but he didn’t like the smell so never again.”

“Oh, honey.”, she offers a sympathetic smile with pursed lips. “I’ll make sure to get you flowers more often then, okay?”

Judy nods and pulls her into her arms again, squeezing tightly before only pulling back a little, enough for their eyes to meet. Jen gulps nervously, hopes her friend can’t feel her quick heartbeat where their bodies meet. She notices how Judy is breathing heavily, her lips slightly parted, her gaze aimed down, then wonders if it’s too cocky to assume they’re seeking her lips.

“Jude?”, she tries, then clears her throat and locks eyes with Judy. “What is it?”

Judy pulls back, “never mind.”, then smiles with a forced snort. “Let’s check on the dessert!”

The cake pops are safely stored in the fridge after they dip them in chocolate and move to the living room. The plan is to watch a movie until it’s time for dinner, so they curl up under a blanket. Judy wants to see “Notting Hill” but Jen says that she’s watched that a thousand times already, doesn’t understand how she can possible want to watch it again, so they settle for “While You Were Sleeping”.

While Jack places an engagement ring on the ticket counter, Jen calls to order a pizza for them. Judy starts crying when Lucy says “I love you” and the blonde chuckles at her, moving to wrap her arms around her once she finishes on the phone.

“They said fifty minutes ‘cause of the date.”

“It’s okay.”, Judy gets out in the middle of her tears.

“You're still crying, Jude?”

“It’s so beautiful, Jen. He loves her back! I… forget it.”

“Noo! Tell me.”, she smiles, then pokes her side.

Judy giggles for a little bit, before sighing, “I want that.”, she looks at Jen, once again too intensely for her own good.

“Well,” she doesn’t quite know what to say, “you can still have that with someone.”

She looks sad, then, disappointed, maybe, “but I don’t want someone random.”

“Oh.”

“I want you.”

“Judy.”, she shakes her head with a glare.

“What?”

“You don’t know what you’re saying.”, she chuckles nervously.

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“ _Because,_ you’re-“, there’s nothing to say.

“Don’t say I’m drunk, we drank at _lunch_.”

“Jude, I…”

“You don’t want me? It’s okay if you don’t.”

“It’s not that. I-“

“Then what is it?”, Judy’s exasperated, Jen wants to hold her and calm her down.

“I don’t deserve you, Judes. You deserve someone good, like… I don’t fucking know, Jack,” she gestures at the TV, “or Lucy, or whatever.”

“Jack spent the entire movie in a coma, Jen. And Lucy lied through the whole thing and she had barely talked to him.”, she shakes her head, indignant.

”No, Jude. Jack was the brother. _Peter_ spent the movie in a coma.”

“Whatever, Jen. I don’t see why we can’t give us a try.”

Jen stays silent. Opens her mouth but nothing comes out, so she closes it.

Judy smiles softly, “and you don’t see it either.”, she moves closer, places a hand on Jen’s cheek. “I’m gonna kiss you now. Just let me, okay?”

“Okay.”, she whispers.

Judy is all warm lips and mint flavor. Her tongue is quick to seek permission and Jen can’t do anything but let her in. It’s slow and passionate and everything Jen has dreamed of in the middle of the night, when she can’t sleep, when the thought of Judy all the way there in the guest house brings an emptiness to her chest.

Jen wraps her arms around Judy’s body, pulling her close, needing her near, closer, completely glued to her. She thinks of waking up naked next to her, of looking down and seeing their warm bodies sticking to each other like the thickest honey, thinks of making her breakfast just to see that grin, of kissing her good morning, still half asleep and not giving a fuck about morning breath.

She wants Judy. Wants all of her.

Can’t bear the thought of anyone else having her.

“I love you.”, Judy mumbles against her lips.

“I love you too.”, Jen smiles. “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

The other woman giggles, “to the best one yet.”


End file.
